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Eagle 3

Frontiersman, March 2008
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Scat Fewmits Pursues the Dirty Trickster
Fiction by Sam Aurelius Milam III
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI own a bar and grill on Highway 90, in south Texas.  I call it the Barn Grill.1  Since it's built in an old barn, my regular customers call it the Barn.  I run the place, so I spend a lot of time doing odds and ends, especially when things are slow.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI was polishing glasses one slow afternoon when a man walked in who looked like he was right out of some old low-budget gangster movie with a manic director.  He was wearing a grey, double-breasted pin-striped suit, a wide-brimmed black fedora, and black-and-white oxfords.  He had a black shirt, a white tie, and a pink hankie in his coat pocket.  The fedora had a little white feather in a white hat band.  He was a beefy guy and, the way he walked, it looked like his feet were glued to the floor every time he took a step.  I had the impression that you couldn't have knocked him over with a baseball bat.  He had a wide face, a neatly trimmed mustache, and very serious eyes.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI stopped polishing the glass that I'd been polishing and stood there watching the guy walk toward me.  He didn't turn his head but he gave the entire place a real going-over with his eyes.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageWhen he arrived at the bar, he looked at me and said, "Fewmits".
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI gave him a blank stare.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Scat Fewmits," he elaborated.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Beg your pardon?"
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHe looked a trifle impatient, reached into his coat, and brought out a wallet.  He flipped it open and, with practiced skill, pointed to it and said, "Scat Fewmits".
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI looked where he was pointing.  The wallet had a badge on one side and an ID card on the other.  He was pointing to the ID card.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Oh!", I exclaimed, "It's your name!"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Special Agent Scat Fewmits", he confirmed.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"So, you work for the FBI."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"BFD", he commented.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI drew my head back just a little, wondering how to take that.  He squinted his eyes and said, "Baltimore Forensics Department".
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Oh."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHe leaned forward at the hips, looking intently at me.  "Think it stands for something else," he explained, "wrong.  Doesn't.  Baltimore Forensics Department. BFD"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Well, of course," I hastened to agree, since it seemed important to him.  "What else could it possible stand for?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Looking for a man," he explained.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"There's nobody here but us," I replied, shrugging my shoulders.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Few months back.  Spent some time here.  Worked for local contractor.  Penny a day.  Two pennies the next day.  So forth."2
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Oh, him!" I exclaimed.  "Yeah, I remember the guy!"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Name?" he asked.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Michael,"I said.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Michael what?"  he asked.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"That's the only name he used," I replied. "Why do you want him?"
He looked suspicious, considered my question, and decided to answer it.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Government research lab.  Blew it up.  Idaho.  About six years ago. Killed Employees.  Both of them.  Killed lab animals.  Rotweillers.  Three of them.  Think it's the same guy."3
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"He didn't seem like the violent sort," I objected.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Fingerprints match.  Prints from his glass.  Here."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"How'd you get his finger prints from

Arrow
1
 ^ 
See The Barn Grill: Tales From All Over.
— editor

2
 ^ 
See The Dirty Trickster and the Blowhard in the March 2007 issue of this newsletter.
—editor

3
 ^ 
See Bill, Bob, and the Dirty Trickster in the September 2007 issue of this newsletter.
—editor

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

March 2008Frontiersman, c/o 2305 W. Sylvester Circle, Show Low, Arizona  85901     Page 1
 

 
 
 
 here?" I wanted to know.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Foreskin."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Huh?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Got prints for us.  Foreskin."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI was baffled.  "I don't understand."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Street informant.  Foreskin.  Usually stays in Baltimore.  Saw the news.  Had a hunch.  Came down here.  Got a job.  Here.  Worked one day.  Served drinks and hamburgers.  Lifted a glass.  Got some prints."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"You mean that Fore—" I hesitated, "Foreskin is a person?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Street informant.  Lumpkin Foreskin.  Works for us.  Worked here."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSuddenly, I realized who he was talking about.  "What?  You mean Lumpy?" and then I started to laugh.  "His last name is Foreskin?  He never told us!  He just went by Lumpy!  Jeez!  Lumpy Foreskin!  What a name!"
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSpecial Agent Fewmits looked grim and squinted his eyes again.  "Lumpkin" he said.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"OK, whatever,"  I managed to stop laughing, "whatever you say.  He told us his name was Lumpy!  He never told us his last name."  I tried hard not to laugh but a grin did escape me.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSpecial Agent Fewmits looked grim so I tried to settle down and look serious but Lumpy Foreskin was a lot to swallow, if you don't mind me saying it that way.  That thought almost set me to laughing again.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Suspect left his VW near the lab."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"What?" I asked.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Idaho.  Six years ago," he reminded me.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Oh, yeah," I replied.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Left prints on it.  Match the ones from Foreskin's glass.  Want to talk to him."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Well, I haven't seen him since he left.  So far as I know, he didn't leave a name or a forwarding address.  Have you tried the court in Alpine?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"No time," he said.  "Provide backup tomorrow.  Seattle.  Sphincter's case."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Sphincter?"  I asked, completely taken by surprise.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Agent Cloaca Sphincter."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"You have an agent named Cloaca Sphincter?"  I asked.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageFewmits looked even more grim than before.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Partner.  Mine.  Perky little thing.  Smart as a whip.  Degree in Veterinary Science.  Knows all there is to know about animals.  Investigate squirrel killings.  Seattle.  Tomorrow."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Squirrel killings?"  I asked.  "The FBI investigates squirrel killings?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Assumed jurisdiction.  Retro bar.  Sixties clothes.  Sixties music.  Surveillance microphones.  Men's room.  Overheard men bragging.  Shooting squirrels.  Inside city limits.  Illegal."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Squirrels — shooting squirrels?  Sixties styles?  You mean, like, miniskirts?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Yes."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageJesus!  I couldn't help laughing at that!  Shooting squirrels!  Miniskirts!  Of course the guys were shooting squirrels!  I'd do the same thing myself.  Hadn't these daffy agents ever heard of men shooting squirrels or women flipping beaver?  I don't know, maybe the phrases are out-of-date.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Sphincter's case," he continued.  "Wear miniskirt.  Pose as hippie.  Code name Starflower Moonbright."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageThat was a good one.  I tried not to laugh.  "Good luck," I said, "I don't know anything about the guy you want."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Hear something, contact superior."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Who?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Deputy Director Egress," he elaborated.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Who again?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Colon Egress.  FBI Deputy Director."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI couldn't help laughing just a little, but I kept it short.  Fewmits seemed to be very serious about all of this.  However, I couldn't help wondering.  Is this the bunch that investigates crimes in this country?
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageFewmits laid a business card on the bar.  I picked it up and, sure enough, printed on the card was Deputy Director Colon Egress, FBI, BFD.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Doesn't take calls personally.  Secretaries."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"He has more than one?"
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Fanny Douche," he said, "and Jenna Talia."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI've heard a lot of weird things in the Barn so I've learned self control.  I didn't laugh until he was gone but I did have some difficulty keeping a straight face and talking in a normal voice.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"If I hear anything, I'll give them a call."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHe walked out and I had a good story to tell to my regular customers that evening.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageGun

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

Page 2Frontiersman, c/o 2305 W. Sylvester Circle, Show Low, Arizona  85901 March 2008
 

 
 
 
Letter to the Editor
To Sam, Greetings
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageThis is a reply to your letter dated [omitted as a precaution].  I'm happy to hear that you do appreciate my comments concerning your newsletter (the Frontiersman).  I do understand what you mean by not getting much feed back and it seems at times like no one gives a hoot!  But, let me tell you this Sam, it's newsletter(s) like yours that keeps hope alive to thousands of us God "fearing Americans" and to those who do not believe anything at all!  Which I can respect that!  Since our government refuses to be 'open' and leave us in the dark, making us guess what's going to happen next!  Which is a lot of guessing!  As soon as I get my self situated I'll send you my contribution, plus I talked to a couple of friends of mine concerning your present situation and since he's into selling homes he looking into that for me and see if 'we' can find a spot for you to call 'home'.  Rent free, all yours, so you can work on this newsletter with out having to worry about where you are going to live next.  Which is a good start!....  'big brother' is keeping an eye on a lot of thing(s) these days, and maybe it's preparing itself for that next faze of order that every open 'minded' person has been talking bout, the New World Order, a 'woman president' and possibly weeding out those who do not believe in what there doing is right!  Who knows?  Only they do!  Not us!  Well, Sam I close this letter 4 now, but I hope to hear from you soon!  Keep up the good work!
— a prisoner
The Fable of the Microbes
As Retold by Sam Aurelius Milam III
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageTwo microbes were circulating in the blood stream of a horse.  They always followed the same route.  One day, as they were going through the horse's heart, one microbe said, "Let's go a different way this time!"  The other microbe said, "OK!"  So, they took a different blood stream after they left the horse's heart.  They were immediately attacked by antibodies and killed.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageMoral:  You can't change streams in the middle of a horse.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageGun

Stray Thoughts
Sam Aurelius Milam III
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageDuh — A watched stitch in time never saves nine boiled pots of pennies earned.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageGun

Request for Help
Sam Aurelius Milam III
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageA Summary of My Situation — As of this writing, I'm still living in temporary borrowed quarters.  I'm still using the end of their dining room table for an office.  My files and books are still in boxes.  I've begun to gradually move my possessions to a more secure temporary location, a few boxes at a time.  I've been afraid that, in the location where I've been storing them, James might sneak into the yard and steal them or damage them.  The neighbor gave me permission to post "No Trespassing" signs near the property boundary.  I posted such a sign twice.  Both times, James snuck onto the property and removed the sign.  Thus, he's shown his willingness to enter the property and steal something.  So far, he hasn't bothered any of my stuff.  Maybe I can get it all moved to a more secure location before he steals or damages anything.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageA Summary of My Needs — I need someplace else to live.  I previously had an offer from a concerned family member to buy a house for me in this vicinity.  That offer has been withdrawn.  The cost of a small mobile home on a small lot in this area begins at about $60,000 and goes up from there.  I'm hereby requesting contributions toward the acquisition of such property or the actual acquisition of the property for me.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageI'll need at least 700 sq. ft. of floor space plus kitchen, laundry, and bathroom facilities.  That's about what's available in a 14x60 single-wide mobile home.  I'll need access to the U.S. mail, a telephone line, and the internet.  Due to my undocumented status, I'll need for someone else to legally own the place.  That being the case, I'll need some kind of an arrangement, such as a trust or a will, whereby I'll be authorized to stay in the place for the rest of my life if the owner dies before I do.  I'll need for the authorization to be effective without the need for me to show government ID, which I lack.  Sharing space with another person has always caused problems.  Therefore, I don't want to share the space.  I want to live alone.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImagePlease contact me if you can provide such an arrangement or if you can provide contributions toward such an arrangement.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageGun


Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

March 2008Frontiersman, c/o 2305 W. Sylvester Circle, Show Low, Arizona  85901     Page 3
 

 
 
 
Frontiersman 
c/o 2305 W. Sylvester Circle
Show Low, Arizona   85901 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Sacrifice might be demanded of the individual, but never compromise:  for though only the society can give security and stability, only the individual, the person, has the power of moral choice.
— from The Dispossessed
by Ursula K. LeGuin
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Acknowledgments
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageMy thanks to the following:  SantaClara Bob;  Lady Jan the Voluptuous;  Lord Jeffrey the Studious;  my mother;  Ernie and Claire, of Show Low, Arizona;  Jules, of Tucson, Arizona;  and Sir Donald the Elusive.
— editor
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Classes for Men
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Don G.
•How to fill up the ice cube trays — Step by step analysis with slide presentation
•Toilet paper rolls — Do they grow on the holders?  Round table discussion
•Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor — Pictures and explanatory graphics10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol
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Reasons for Men to be Cheerful
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Don G.
•You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes or less.
•You have freedom of choice about growing a mustache.
•You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
•One wallet and one pair of shoes, all in one color, is good for all seasons.
•You don't have to shave below your neck.
•You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol

Frontiersman
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSubscriptions and Back Issues — Printed copies of this newsletter, either subscriptions or back issues, are available by application only.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageCancellations — If you don't want to keep receiving this newsletter, then print REFUSED, RETURN TO SENDER above your name and address and return the newsletter.  When I receive it, I'll terminate your subscription.  You can also cancel by letter, e-mail, carrier pigeon, or any other method that gets the message to me.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageReprint Policy — Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this newsletter in its entirety or to reproduce material from it, provided that the reproduction is accurate and that proper credit is given.  Please note that I do not have the authority to give permission to reprint material that I have reprinted from other sources.  For that permission, you must go to the original source.  I would appreciate receiving a courtesy copy of any document or publication in which you reprint my material.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSubmissions — I solicit letters, articles, and cartoons for the newsletter, but I don't pay for them.  Short items are more likely to be printed.  I suggest that letters and articles be shorter than 500 words but that's flexible depending on space available and the content of the piece.  I give credit for all items printed unless the author specifies otherwise.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImagePayment — This newsletter isn't for sale.  If you care to make a voluntary contribution, then I prefer cash or U.S. postage stamps.  For checks or money orders please inquire.  For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.  The continued existence of the newsletter will depend, in part, on such contributions.  I don't accept anything that requires me to provide ID to receive it.  In case anybody's curious, I also accept gold, silver, platinum, etc. 
— Sam Aurelius Milam III, editor
Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

Page 4 Frontiersman, c/o 2305 W. Sylvester Circle, Show Low, Arizona  85901 March 2008
 
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