Frontiersman, January 2009

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Frontiersman, January 2009

Negative Nothing
Sam Aurelius Milam III
Back in December of 2007, I heard a stupid statement on the television. I sat right down and wrote an article but, what with one thing and another, I never got around to using it. So, here's the article, freshly polished and ready to read.
The stupid statement was made during an advertisement for PAM, that spray stuff that women use to keep the food from sticking to the pots and pans. The statement proclaimed that, when PAM is used, "Food sticks to nothing!"
The statement describes the impossible. Consider it logically. The first part of the statement is a positive assertion that the food sticks to something.

"Food sticks to...."

The remainder of the sentence reveals the thing to which the food sticks.

"...nothing!"

If the statement was true, then the lovely little ladies would be able to spray the food with PAM, hold the food up in the air, turn loose of it, and have it remain floating in midair, stuck to nothing. The advertisement should have said, "Food doesn't stick to anything!"
The usage isn't new. I've heard it many times. Another example is a similar bit of nonsense that I heard in the documentary series Victory at Sea, which was released way back in 1952. Speaking of the Japanese in the South Pacific, the bombastic narrator declared, "The enemy could be allowed to go no further!"
Imagine that. The enemy was going to be allowed (a positive assertion of the intention to allow the enemy to do something) to go no further (what the enemy was going to be allowed to do). Apparently, the enemy didn't want to go any further and the U.S. forces were going to sit passively and allow it. That's what the narrator said. What the narrator actually meant was that the enemy could not be allowed to go any further, which is a completely different statement.
The sad aspect of the stupid usage is the large number of people who have to be willing to accept such a stupid statement in order for it to happen. The writers, the people who review the scripts, the producers and directors, the actors, and — worst of all — the listeners all have to be willing to ignore the stupidity of the statement. I'll admit that this is a strange language but there should be some limits. Sloppy language promotes sloppy thinking, and vice versa. No wonder we don't have no success at not misunderstanding nobody about nothing.

Travel Plans
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Don G.
Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport, in New Jersey. I knew that I'd be flying in a small plane, so I wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers. How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly, I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Stray Thoughts
Sam Aurelius Milam III
Strange Language — Why isn't inhibit the opposite of exhibit?
Bitter Pill — What doesn't kill me will make me stronger, or make me weaker, or make me mad, or maybe not have much of an effect on me at all. Whatever else it does or doesn't do to me, it will probably make me dirty.
Terminology as a Tool of Repressive Evangelism — What they call sex addiction I call normal human behavior. What they call normal human behavior I call repressed sexuality.

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January 2009

Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

Page 1

Creation Dilemma
Sam Aurelius Milam III

In the June 2003 issue of this newsletter, I published an article titled Creation Lesson. In that article, I speculated that, according to the creation story as told in the Holy Bible, either Adam's family engaged in incest or the Holy Bible is wrong about Adam and his family being the only people in the world at that time.

In the next issue, I published a letter to the editor from one of my Christian subscribers. He acknowledged that the creation story, as presented in the Holy Bible, is incomplete and maybe even allegorical. If those things are true, then it's a problem for advocates of the Holy Bible. That's because those same things might also be true for the rest of the Holy Bible.

I've heard another answer to the incest problem. According to that answer, Adam and Eve weren't really the first people on the planet. They were just the first ones with souls. That is, when God "created" Adam and Eve, He "created man" above the lower animals by giving souls to previously existing people who didn't have them. There are at least two problems with that explanation. The first problem is with regard to the previously existing people. Since they hadn't yet been "created" as men, they were other than, and less than, real humans. They were probably the equivalent of gorillas, or chimpanzees, or some such thing as that. Thus, if Adam's children avoided incest by breeding with those other people instead of breeding with Eve, then they committed the abomination of bestiality instead of committing the abomination of incest.¹ It's a tough choice for Christians. Here's the second problem with the explanation. It claims that animals don't have souls. Thus, poor ol' Grandma won't find her dear dead little Fluffy waiting for her in Heaven after all.

During October of 2008, I came across some interesting scripture in The First Book of Adam and Eve, a book of The Forgotten Books of Eden.² According to that account of the creation, Cain had a twin sister named Luluwa. Abel had a twin sister named Aklemia or Aklia, depending upon which text you read. Here are some excerpts from The First Book of Adam and Eve.

Then Adam said to Eve, "Behold the children are grown up; we must think of finding wives for them."

Then Eve answered, "How can we do it?"

Then Adam said to her, "We will join Abel's sister in marriage to Cain, and Cain's sister to Abel."

—Chapter LXXVIII, verses 1-3 (page 56)

Meanwhile Satan came to Cain in the figure of a man of the field,³ and said to him, "Behold Adam and Eve have taken counsel together about the marriage of you two; and they have agreed to marry Abel's sister to thee, and thy sister to him."

—Chapter LXXVIII, verse 6 (page 56)

So, it was incest, not bestiality.

Even the simplest of research⁴ reveals that different factions of Christianity have different bibles. Whichever version you consider, it's inaccurate.⁵ At least some of it is allegorical, in spite of the Christians' insistence upon interpreting it literally when it suits them. Of course, they're happy to interpret it symbolically when they don't like the literal interpretation. Such selective interpretations make the Holy Bible a dandy tool of repression. Christians can use whatever interpretation they like to influence legislation, the cops, the courts, and the prisons. They can force the rest of us to behave according to their wishes. However, if we want to read pornography or visit prostitutes or commit adultery or even (gasp!) incest, then it shouldn't be any of their business.

How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me remove that splinter in your eye,' when you do not even notice the wooden beam in your own eye? You hypocrite! Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother's eye.

—Luke 6:42
New American Bible

Every time that I see America's Funniest Home Videos "fuzz out" the genitals of a child (an immature child, for Pete's sake!), I get angry all over again at the arrogant, aggressive, and repressive evangelism of the Christians.

bestiality ... 3. Sexual relations between a human being and an animal.

—The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 1992

The Lost Books of the Bible and the Forgotten Books of Eden, http://lostbooksofthebible.ismywebsite.com

Why would Cain be unsurprised to see another man in the field? There must have been other people in the world.

Wikipedia article Bible,http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bible

More Ravings of a Mad Man - or - Diatribe Doesn't Mean Two Groups of Indians Living Together, an essay by Sam Aurelius Milam III, http://pharos.my3website.net/Ravings_Essays/More_Ravings/More_Ravings.html

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For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

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Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

January 2009

Civics Lesson
Original Source and Actual Date Unknown. Forwarded by Steve, of Fremont, California. Attributed to a teacher in Nashville, Tennessee.

We are worried about the cow when it is all about the ice cream. The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while I was teaching third grade last year. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president.

We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote. To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The children had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother.

The day arrived when they were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded. He sat down and Olivia came to the podium.

Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The children went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The children really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten and Olivia won by a landslide.

Democracy
Alexander Fraser Tytler, Scottish economist, 1776

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising them the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that a democracy always collapses over a loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship. The average age of the world's great civilizations has been 200 years. These nations have progressed through this sequence: From bondage to spiritual faith; From spiritual faith to great courage; From courage to liberty; From liberty to abundance; From abundance to selfishness; From selfishness to complacency; From complacency to apathy; From apathy to dependence; From dependence back into bondage.

A White Man's Notes
Sam Aurelius Milam III

Sexist Sows — I recently saw an advertisement for a documentary about the female survivors of Hurricane Katrina. If somebody tried to make a documentary about the male survivors of Hurricane Katrina, then the feminists would hound him into oblivion, calling him a sexist pig. Of course, it's entirely acceptable for somebody to make a documentary about the female survivors of Hurricane Katrina.

Daffynitions
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Don G.

• Beauty Parlor — A place where women go to curl up and dye

• Committee — A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours

• Gossip — A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

• Egotist — Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Moth
Original Source Unknown.
A man walked into an all-night gas station late one night.
"Can I help you?" asked the attendant.
"Well, no," replied the man. "My problem is that I have a delusion that I'm a moth."
"You need a psychiatrist," commented the attendant.
"Yeah, I know." replied the man. "I just came in because your light is on."

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution. I prefer cash. For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

January 2009

Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

Page 3

Frontiersman
^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive
Gainesville, Georgia 30507

The objective of a teacher should always be that one day his student will surpass him.

—February 14, 1995

Milam's Notes

Acknowledgments

My thanks to the following: SantaClara Bob; Lady Jan the Voluptuous; my mother; Dewey and Betty; and Sir Donald the Elusive.

— editor

Court Quotes
From Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court, by Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter. Forwarded by Don G.

Q		What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A		It indicates intercourse.
Q		Male sperm?
A		That is the only kind I know.

Definitions
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Don G.

•		Polynomial — don't feed the parrot
•		Celtics — what tick vendors do
•		Adverse — a commercial in rhyme
•		Ecstatic — your former partner is not moving
•		Cargo — green traffic light
•		Beacon — become a prisoner
•		Bipolar — farewell to the Arctic
•		Balderdash — a short race for a guy with thin hair
•		Drug Store — a really big heroin stash
•		Diode — making your relatives wait a long time to inherit your estate

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Reprint Policy — Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this newsletter in its entirety or to reproduce material from it, provided that the reproduction is accurate and that proper credit is given. Please note that I do not have the authority to give permission to reprint material that I have reprinted from other sources. For that permission, you must go to the original source. I would appreciate receiving a courtesy copy of any document or publication in which you reprint my material.

Submissions — I solicit letters, articles, and cartoons for the newsletter, but I don't pay for them. Short items are more likely to be printed. I suggest that letters and articles be shorter than 500 words but that's flexible depending on space available and the content of the piece. I give credit for all items printed unless the author specifies otherwise.

Payment — This newsletter isn't for sale. If you care to make a voluntary contribution, then I prefer cash, prepaid telephone cards, or U.S. postage stamps. For checks or money orders please inquire. For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net. The continued existence of the newsletter will depend, in part, on such contributions. I don't accept anything that requires me to provide ID to receive it. In case anybody's curious, I also accept gold, silver, platinum, etc.

— Sam Aurelius Milam III, editor

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution. I prefer cash. For checks or money orders, please inquire.
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Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

January 2009

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