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Eagle 3

Frontiersman, May 2009
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More to Life
Sam Aurelius Milam III
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageDo you realize that many of the people who're driving cars nowadays have never seen a simple car, not in their entire lifetimes?  They might never have turned a window winder to roll down a window, used a key to unlock a door, or driven a car that doesn't have airbags.  Some of the younger ones might think that electronic navigation systems are the only way to find your way around.  They might never have seen a real road map, one that shows more than just Interstate highways.  Electronic navigation systems, being used nowadays to replace maps, are among the more frivolous of the recent increments in unnecessary complexity.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageWhen I was young, I went on many family trips.  After I was old enough, one of the pleasures of the road was to do the navigating for Poppa.  I'd sit with a map unfolded in my lap, a real map, a map that actually showed the little country roads, with numbers marked beside them.  Those old maps even showed rivers, and actually gave their names.  I'd read the highway signs.  I'd watch the bridges for the names of the rivers.  I'd keep track, on the map, of where we were.  Poppa didn't need a complicated electronic navigation gizmo.  He knew where to turn, and which direction, because he had me.  It was a good experience for both of us.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageWith Interstate highways and electronic navigation systems, a child in a car nowadays isn't on a pleasure trip.  He's a prisoner.  He can't even sit up and look out of the window because of the .0000whatever statistically nonsensical probability that the car might crash into something.  That imaginary possibility and a mindless compliance with government edicts have allowed the security nuts to imprison children with their backs against the seats.  It isn't surprising that they're putting televisions in the cars.  A trip is already a mind-numbing experience for a child.  Why not add a television?  The electronic navigation systems, onboard televisions, and imprisonment belts that are imposed on children today, all taken together, constitute a form of child abuse.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHave you noticed that, when the car companies advertise their cars, they like to show them being driven on little two-lane highways that twist through mountains or forests, or maybe along an ocean or a river?  I don't remember seeing an advertisement for a car on an Interstate highway.  That's because the Interstates don't have any spirit, any soul.  You'd never know if you'd crossed a river, even if you had a map, even if the map showed rivers.  What's the point of speed and efficiency if they don't have any passion?  What's the point of security that doesn't have any future except for sterile efficiency?  Where's the joy?  If you want security, then stay at home.  Garages are safe, but sitting in a garage isn't why cars were invented.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHere are some suggestions.  Get rid of the televisions in the back seats.  Get rid of the imprisonment belts and let the kids sit up and look out of the windows.  Get rid of the navigation systems.  Get some maps, real ones that show real landmarks.  Give the maps to the kids so that they can learn to read the maps and observe the signs and the landmarks along the way.  Quit driving on the soulless Interstates and travel instead on real roads.  Travel on the kind of roads with curves, hills, and bridges, where you can see houses with pealing paint and junk littering the front yards, pastures with cows in them, railroads, lakes, rivers, and trees.  Slow down.  Look at the scenery.  Stop in the little towns for snacks.  Read the roadside historical markers.  Don't worry if your trip takes longer that it would have taken on the Interstates.  Like Mahatma Gandhi said, there's more to life than increasing its speed.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageGun

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

May 2009 Frontiersman, c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia  30507      Page 1

An Act of Kindness
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by BLA, of Schertz, Texas.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageOne Friday, a teacher asked her students to each make a list of the names of the other students in the class, leaving a space between each name.  Then she asked them to think of the nicest thing that they could say about each of their classmates and write it down in the space under that student's name.  It took the students the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment.  The students handed in their papers as they left the room.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageOn Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper and listed the good qualities of each student that had been written by the other students.  On Monday she handed out each list to the student whose name appeared on it.  Before long, everyone in the class was smiling.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Really?" she heard whispered.  "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageShe never heard anyone mention the papers in class again.  She didn't know if the students discussed them after class, but it didn't matter.  The exercise had accomplished its purpose.  The students were happy with themselves and with one another.  That group of students moved on.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSeveral years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam.  The teacher attended his funeral.  She'd never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before.  He looked handsome and mature.  The church was packed with his friends.  One by one, they all took a last walk by the coffin.  The teacher was the last one to visit the coffin.  As she stood there, one of the soldiers who'd acted as pallbearer came up to her.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Were you Mark's teacher?" he asked.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageShe nodded, "Yes."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHe said, "Mark talked about you a lot."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageAfter the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates, and the teacher, went together to a luncheon.  Mark's mother and father were there.  They obviously wanted to speak to the teacher.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"We want to show you something," Mark's father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket.  "They found this on Mark when he was killed.  We thought you might recognize it."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageOpening the billfold, he carefully removed a worn piece of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded, and refolded many times.  The teacher recognized it as the paper on which she'd listed all of the good things that each of Mark's classmates had written about him.
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said.  "As you can see, Mark treasured it."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageAll of Mark's former classmates started to gather around.  Charley smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have mine.  It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageChuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."
15x5 Page Background GIF Image"I have mine too," Marilyn said.  "It's in my diary."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageThen Vicki, another classmate, reached into her purse and showed her frazzled list to the group.  "I carry this with me."  Without batting an eyelash, she continued, "I think we all saved them."
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageThe teacher sat down and cried for Mark and for all of his friends who would never see him again.  We forget, or we try to forget, that life will end one day.  We don't know when that day will be and we try not to think about it but it will happen.  Take the chance, while you still have it, to show courtesy and kindness toward the people that you know.  Eventually, you'll see each one of them for the last time.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol

Letter to the Editor
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageHi Sam - I've been unemployed for over a year now...  still looking for a job.  Thanks for your great newsletter.  Somehow, it always cheers me up.  Please keep up the good work.  I'll send more money when I get a job...  It's tough being unemployed!  Thanks again for the Frontiersman!

—Tom;  Redwood City, California
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15x5 Page Background GIF ImageThank you for the contribution and for the encouragement.  I appreciate them both.  I wish you well in your situation.
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How to Have Some Fun
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Jan, of Sulphur, Louisiana.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

Page 2 Frontiersman, c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia  30507  May 2009

Revenge:  a Two-Pointed Arrow
Jim Sullivan
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There is no distinctly native American criminal class — save Congress.
—Mark Twain
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15x5 Page Background GIF ImageNative Americans, misnamed Indians by Christopher Columbus, were previously Siberians who migrated to North America some 10,000 to 13,000 years ago.  Those first human residents of the North American continent found it to be rich in animals, minerals, and plant life.  When the Native Americans arrived on this continent, they had more food and space than they could ever use.  Still, they treated the resources with care.  Wouldn't you just know that someone would come along and take it away from them?  That someone was the Palefaces.  Over time, the Palefaces pushed the Native Americans out, squeezing them into tiny and often uninhabitable corners of the land.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageIn recent years, Native Americans are finally getting their just rewards and, incidentally, sweet revenge.  Instead of doing physical harm to the Palefaces, the Native Americans are using nonviolence.  That is, they're exacting a financial reckoning.  This is taking place at gambling emporiums established by the various Native American tribes throughout the United States.  The Palefaces are taking the punishment without even realizing it.  In fact, they seem to be enjoying the process of being relieved of their funds.  They repeatedly come back for more of the same treatment.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageLike gambling facilities since time immemorial, the odds in the Native American wagering houses are stacked in favor of the houses.  So, when the Palefaces play cards or bingo, spin the wheel, or drop cold wampum coins into the slots, the Native Americans come out ahead.  It's about time!
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageNo longer do the Palefaces circle their wagons to protect themselves when they see Native Americans.  Instead, they aim their wagons directly at the Native American gambling casinos, bingo halls, and betting joints.  The Palefaces then fork over their hard earned funds to the gambling operators.  After the wampum has changed hands, the Palefaces leave with their wallets empty but otherwise intact.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageScalping is a thing of the past, too, for both groups1 and the only arrows employed nowadays are on the Native American roulette wheels.  The aptly named one-arm bandit slot machines also do a good job of stripping the Palefaces of their funds.  Native Americans are merely making it convenient for the Palefaces to be separated from their cash.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageIt isn't surprising to learn that certain Palefaces in state governments have noticed the success of the Native Americans in removing large numbers of dollars from the gullible gambling Palefaces.  Some of those Palefaces in the state governments are now scrambling to build casinos and gambling parlors of their own.  Of course, for years the Palefaces have had big gambling operations in a few spots in the nation, notably Las Vegas and Atlantic City.  That was fine because it was limited.  But seeing how well the Native Americans are doing around the rest of the country, those government Palefaces want a bigger piece of the action.  Soon, the Native Americans will no longer hold their near monopoly on cleaning out the Palefaces.  In fact, it's very likely that they'll be pushed out of the gambling business, just like they were pushed out of their homes after the Palefaces arrived on this continent.  As before, they'll end up holding the short end of the stick, this time the croupier's stick.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol

... unless you mean selling something for a quick profit.

Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Don G.
Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty: How golfers create divots
Paradox: two physicians
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm
Polarize: what penguins see with
Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief: what trees do in the spring10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

May 2009 Frontiersman, c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia  30507      Page 3

c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive
Gainesville, Georgia  30507
If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
—Mark Twain
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15x5 Page Background GIF ImageMy thanks to the following:  SantaClara Bob;  Lady Jan the Voluptuous;  my mother;  Dewey and Betty;  and Tom, of Redwood City, California.
— editor
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Court Quotes
From Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court, by Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter.  Forwarded by Don G.
Q What is your name?
A Ernestine McDowell.
Q And what is your marital status?
A Fair.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol
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Doctor's Goofs
Actual statements that doctors wrote on patients' charts:
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Don G.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be depressed.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.10x5 Page Background GIF ImageInfinity Symbol

15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSubscriptions and Back Issues — Printed copies of this newsletter, either subscriptions or back issues, are available by application only.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageCancellations — If you don't want to keep receiving this newsletter, then print REFUSED, RETURN TO SENDER above your name and address and return the newsletter.  When I receive it, I'll terminate your subscription.  You can also cancel by letter, e-mail, carrier pigeon, or any other method that gets the message to me.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageReprint Policy — Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this newsletter in its entirety or to reproduce material from it, provided that the reproduction is accurate and that proper credit is given.  Please note that I do not have the authority to give permission to reprint material that I have reprinted from other sources.  For that permission, you must go to the original source.  I would appreciate receiving a courtesy copy of any document or publication in which you reprint my material.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImageSubmissions — I solicit letters, articles, and cartoons for the newsletter, but I don't pay for them.  Short items are more likely to be printed.  I suggest that letters and articles be shorter than 500 words but that's flexible depending on space available and the content of the piece.  I give credit for all items printed unless the author specifies otherwise.
15x5 Page Background GIF ImagePayment — This newsletter isn't for sale.  If you care to make a voluntary contribution, then I prefer cash, prepaid telephone cards, or U.S. postage stamps.  For checks or money orders please inquire.  For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.  The continued existence of the newsletter will depend, in part, on such contributions.  I don't accept anything that requires me to provide ID to receive it.  In case anybody's curious, I also accept gold, silver, platinum, etc. 
— Sam Aurelius Milam III, editor
Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution.  I prefer cash.  For checks or money orders, please inquire.
For PayPal payments, use editor@frontiersman.my3website.net.

Page 4  Frontiersman, c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia  30507  May 2009
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