Ah
got some o' tha kinda makup that actors use an' a afro kind of wig.
Thought ah'd disguise maself. That's 'cause they had cameras in the
waitin' room at tha hospital. Went ta tha Goodwill an' bought a old
suit an' a shirt. Got 'em too big fer me. Got some bubble wrap
an' fixed it inside tha shirt. With ma wig an' makup an' tha padded
suit ah looked like a big black guy that wuz mostly muscle. Ah'm
white, skinny, an' baldheaded. Nobody'd ever know it wuz me.
Don't like ta blame no black folks fer ma pranks but it seemed like a good
disguise so that's what ah did. So march aroun' me with picket signs.
Got
a big briefcase an' cut tha bottom out an' took out tha little numbers
fer tha lock right under tha handle. Ah put some string 'round ma
fake bomb. Ah could put tha fake bomb in tha briefcase, poke tha
string through where ah'd took out tha numbers, shut tha briefcase, an'
pick up tha briefcase with ma finger hooked through tha loop o' string.
Holdin' tha string ah could carry tha briefcase aroun' an' nobody'd ever
know they was a fake bomb in it. Ah practiced with ma makeup an'
tha suit fer several days, carryin' tha briefcase 'round tha house, sittin'
it down an' pickin' it up again without tha string, lettin' tha fake bomb
out through tha bottom o' tha briefcase. Ah practiced mostly on things
that wuz 'bout tha same height as tha little table by Fran's counter.
Ever time ah saw maself in a mirror ah had ta laugh. Looked like
some NAACP lawyer. Ah went out an' got some wrier glasses, jus' fer
laughs.
While
ah'd been buildin' tha fake bomb, ah figgered out a good way ta git rid
o' tha scraps, pieces o' dowel, tha buckets with tha rest o' tha paint,
tha brush, and all o' tha other little stuff that 'ud be left when ah wuz
done. Right acrost tha street they wuz a house where a deputy DA
lived. Tha guy was a thug. Everbody knew he lied, lost evidence,
faked evidence, anything he could do ta git a conviction. Hell, he
bragged 'bout it at parties after he'd had 'nuff ta drink. Didn't
care if somebody'd done somethin' 'er not, just wanted ta put guys in jail.
Had 'is eye on tha DA's job. Ah'd had ma eye on him but ah hadn't
figgered out nuthin' ta do 'bout 'em. Then ah figgered out sumpthin'.
Him an' ma scraps wuz jus' made fer each other. Ah started cumulatin'
tha scraps in a big plastic bag.
All
tha time ah was workin' on ma prank, ah kept goin' over ta tha hospital,
mostly just walkin' aroun' an' eatin' in tha cafeteria. Ah noticed
that nobody paid me no mind. Ah just walked through tha waitin' room
inta tha hospital, long as it was visitin' hours, ah might as well o' been
invisible. Ah even went several times in ma disguise, carryin' ma
briefcase. Nobody ever looked at me twice. So when tha day
o' tha prank came, ah put on ma makeup an' ma wig, walked in wearin' ma
business suit an' carryin' ma briefcase, an' asked Fran fer help.
She didn't even look at me, jus' tol' me ta sign in an' wait. New
deal. Ya hadta sign in 'fore ya could wait. Real service upgrade.
Ah sat ma briefcase on tha little table, made a few fake passes at the
sign-in paper, didn't touch nothin, didn't look at tha camera, picked up
tha briefcase, lifted it off tha fake bomb, an' walked out. Fran
wouldn' know me from Adam.
Ah
went home an' turned on tha TV. Somebody musta spotted ma fake bomb
right quick 'cause it wuz all over tha TV by tha time ah got home.
They wuz a news crew showin' tha whole thing. They was people standin
'round all over tha place. Ah loved it when they talked ta Fran.
Naturally they did that, with her name on tha bomb. She was all tears,
couldn't understand why nobody'd be mad at her. Ah saw some people
in hospital uniforms make funny faces in tha background when she said that.
Ah had ta laugh. But it got even better. Tha cops cleared everbody
way back an' them bomb squad goons came tippytoein' out with a big box
that they carried like it had grandma's best china. After they put
it in their big van, the lady reporter busted through tha police line an'
collered one o' tha bomb squad goons. She ast him 'bout tha bomb.
He looked like he wuz real important. Said it wuz a real professional
job, probly done by Al Kada. Ah laughed 'til ma belly hurt.
But tha best wuz still ta come. They took tha box ta a big empty
lot they had outa town, where they practiced bomb stuff, an' let tha news
crew watch from a distance while they 'sploded tha thing. Wasn't
ma fake bomb, went off like Oklahoma City. Timmy woulda loved 'em
fakin' it like that. Made me laugh 'til ah almos' passed out.
Ah sure miss Timmy.
Them
bomb squad goons mighta been able ta strut some stuff 'bout tha bomb they
'sploded, saved tha hospital from gittin' blowed up,
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February 2010 |
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