Frontiersman, March 2012

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Frontiersman, March 2012

An Excerpt From Aerial surveillance
from Surveillance, by Wikipedia
Downloaded Friday, February 3, 2012
....Digital imaging technology, miniaturized computers, and numerous other technological advances over the past decade have contributed to rapid advances in aerial surveillance hardware such as micro-aerial vehicles, forward-looking infrared, and high-resolution imagery capable of identifying objects at extremely long distances. For instance, the MQ-9 Reaper,... a U.S. drone plane used for domestic operations by the Department of Homeland Security, carries cameras that are capable of identifying an object the size of a milk carton from altitudes of 60,000 feet, and has forward-looking infrared devices that can detect the heat from a human body at distances of up to 60 kilometers....
The United States Department of Homeland Security is in the process of testing UAVs to patrol the skies over the United States for the purposes of critical infrastructure protection, border patrol, "transit monitoring", and general surveillance of the U.S. population.... Miami-Dade police department ran tests with a vertical take-off and landing UAV from Honeywell, which is planned to be used in SWAT operations.... Houston's police department has been testing fixed-wing UAVs for use in "traffic control".....
The United Kingdom, as well, is working on plans to build up a fleet of surveillance UAVs ranging from micro-aerial vehicles to full-size drones, to be used by police forces throughout the U.K....
In addition to their surveillance capabilities, MAVs are capable of carrying tasers for "crowd control", or weapons for killing enemy combatants....
Programs such as the Heterogenous [sic] Aerial Reconnaissance Team program developed by DARPA [Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency —editor] have automated much of the aerial surveillance process. They have developed systems consisting of large teams drone planes that pilot themselves, automatically decide who is "suspicious" and how to go about monitoring them, coordinate their activities with other drones nearby, and notify human operators if something suspicious is occurring. This greatly increases the amount of area that can be continuously monitored, while reducing the number of human operators required. Thus a swarm of automated, self-directing drones can automatically patrol a city and track suspicious individuals, reporting their activities back to a centralized monitoring station....

An Excerpt From Satellite imagery
from Surveillance, by Wikipedia
Downloaded Friday, February 3, 2012
On May 25, 2007 the U.S. Director of National Intelligence Michael McConnell authorized the National Applications Office (NAO) of the Department of Homeland Security to allow local, state, and domestic Federal agencies to access imagery from military intelligence satellites and aircraft sensors which can now be used to observe the activities of U.S. citizens. The satellites and aircraft sensors will be able to penetrate cloud cover, detect chemical traces, and identify objects in buildings and "underground bunkers", and will provide real-time video at much higher resolutions than the still-images produced by programs such as Google Earth....

Stray Thoughts
Sam Aurelius Milam III
Choice — Ignorance is unfortunate. Willful ignorance is reprehensible.

Smitten With Embarrassment Department
(Seldom Used)
Sam Aurelius Milam III
In the October 2011 issue, on page 1, in column 2, I made a grammar error. I printed the statement "They reminds us that organized religion is a good example of man's inhumanity to man." It should have been "They remind us that organized religion is a good example of man's inhumanity to man." Once again, I'm smitten with embarrassment.

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March 2012

Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

Page 1

Area 51 and the Dirty Trickster
Fiction by Sam Aurelius Milam III

Carrier pigeons is interestin' birds. They kin fly at 50 miles an hour an' carry stuff on their legs. They can find their way back ta their lofts from ah long ways off. They're jus' what ah needed fer ma prank. This is what started it. Ah seen a lotta them TV shows 'bout Area 51. Do they really keep flyin' saucers an' dead aliens there? Tha guys on tha TV ain't never gonna find out. They ain't never gonna git no closer than tha big white signs an' tha white pickup trucks. Ah might not find out either but ah figgered out how ah might git a better look at tha place.

First, ah gotta guy ta rent a ol' farm fer me a little ways west o' Las Vegas, out in tha sticks, away frum everthin'. Ah spent some time scoutin' 'round, bought some stuff here an' some stuff there, so's nobody'd ever notice it wuz tha same guy buyin' it. Used tha barn fer ah garage an' ah workshop. Built ah loft in tha barn an' started raisin' carrier pigeons. Ah spent ah lotta time drivin' on all tha roads an' highways 'round Nellis, where they got Area 51 hid, just learnin' ma way aroun'.

It's amazin' how small they kin make stuff nowadays. Ah started hookin' little cameras to chips big 'nough fer a dozen er so pictures each. Little timers ta start tha cameras after a while and click 'em ever few seconds 'til tha chips was full. Each one ov 'em wuz little 'nough that a bird can carry it on its leg. Amazin'. When ma birds started ta git ready, ah started releasin' 'em with their little cameras, lettin' 'em fly back ta tha loft from different places. Spent some time checkin' everthin' ta make sure it worked right. Ah wuz careful where ah released 'em, ta make sure they never flew over no military 'er govment stuff. Didn' want ta give maself away 'fore my prank wuz ready.

It took some arrangin' outside tha farm, too. Ah got some guys ta rent four garages fer me, two in Alamo an' two in Warm Springs. Ah got some more guys ta rent two vans an' 'leave 'em in some parkin' lots. After tha guys wuz gone, ah got each van an' drove it ta a garage. Tha whole thing wuz done by third parties, mail drops, cash, an' so forth. None of 'em ever saw me 're each other.

Ah drove tha Hummer or whichever van ah needed, accordin' ta what part o' ma prank ah wuz workin' on. Tha van that ended up in Alamo wuz at the farm fer quite a while. Ah had ta build a lot o' automatic receivin' an' recordin' stuff ta put in it, an' ah big antenna in tha barn. Ah had ta be real careful how ah tested some o' that stuff 'cause ah didn' want ta attract no attention frum tha FCC, with illegal broadcasts. That part got tested only once, after tha van wuz in tha barn in Alamo.

Finally, tha big day came. Ah packed ma stuff inta tha van that evenin', just before dark. Ah took ma birds, in cages, tha' feed an' water they'd need, food an' drink fer me fer a few days, an' everthin' else ah didn' wanta leave behind an' lose. Tha electronic stuff wuz already hooked up in tha second van, waitin' in a garage in Alamo. Tha Hummer wuz in ah garage in Warm Springs. Ah left rat after dark, went through Las Vegas, took Interstate 15 an' Highway 93, ta Alamo. Ah stayed in Alamo tha next day, restin', tendin' ma birds, an' stayin' outa site. After dark that night, ah carried ma birds an' stuff down tha block ta tha second rented van, in another rented garage. Drove tha first one acrost town, left it on tha street where tha guy that rented it fer me could return it ta tha rental agency. Walked back ta the second van an' headed north 'long Highway 93 an' then turned west onta tha Extraterrestrial Highway. Ah put out cages o' birds 'long tha way. Ah'd been explorin' fer more'n a year so ah knew all tha good places ta put 'em where nobody'd likely spot 'em. Just had ta hope fer tha best 'bout coyotes. Had ta watch fer traffic, but pickin' up tha empty cages, later, was tha only part ah never figgered out how ta do without maybe gittin' caught, so ah figgered on leavin' tha cages. Made sure they wuz all traceable ta tha Division of State Parks, just in case tha Camo Dudes 'er somebody found 'em. That'd cause a ruckus an' confuse everbody.

Tha doors on them cages all had timers. Jus' 'bout dawn them timers all went off an' let tha birds loose. Tha timers on tha cameras all started at tha same time. Then they was more'n 50 carrier pigeons all headin' south, all carrying little cameras with timers, all goin' right over Area 51. By then ah was in Warm Springs, in another rented garage. If ah'd guessed right 'bout how fast them birds'd fly, them cameras'd all start clickin’ just 'bout tha time tha birds was over Area 51.

Back at the farm, as tha birds started gittin' back, ever time one of 'em landed an'

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Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

March 2012

walked through tha little door, it's chip got scanned an' tha pictures got downloaded ta ma transmitter. Ah didn't use no internet link 'er land line 'er nothin' that could be traced. Ah had ah big, powerful transmitter, an' ah broadcast tha pictures. Tha govment guys kin find a transmitter easy but they can't find a receiver. Tha receivers was in tha second van. Ah guess if somebody else had a receiver on tha right settin', they coulda got the pictures too but who cares? So, as soon as them birds started landin', ah started gittin' tha pictures at tha van an' savin' 'em ta several different kinds o' drives, just in case. So, what pictures did ah git? Hangers. Runways. A baseball field. Roads. A white bus, some white SUVs an' pickup trucks. Some Chinooks an' some white unmarked 737s with big red stripes on tha sides. Nuthin' very interestin'. Ya kin see tha same stuff on the TV shows. What wuz interestin' wuz what happened after tha pictures wuz took.

Here's tha interestin' part. Ah had three video cameras outside o' tha barn, pointin' at different angles but mostly north. As soon as tha pictures started ta download, them cameras turned on. Them videos got broadcast too, like tha pictures. Ah recorded ever bit of it in tha second van. So, when tha pictures started ta come in ah started watching the movies from tha video cameras. Ah had three TVs goin'. First, it was pictures o' ma birds circlin' in fer a landin' but, off a ways, they was three other things in tha air. It was just like ah figgered it'd be. Them guys at Area 51 is real picky 'bout their privacy an' they's good at what they do. They watch everthin' an' nothin' gits past 'em. They'd figgered out right quick that tha big flock o' birds goin' by had some kinda electronics on 'em an', 'fore tha birds wuz even outa sight, tha Area 51 guys was follerin' 'em. Ah think they didn't want ta git too close so's not ta spook tha birds. They wanted ta foller 'em all tha way home. That's why they wuz off a ways when tha birds started ta land. It took everbody a few minutes to figure out that ah was broadcastin' somethin' but as soon as they was onta that trick, things changed real quick.

Here's what happened next. Them three other things in my pictures was black, unmarked Chinooks. Oh, they wasn't close 'nough ah could tell that in tha TV pictures but ah knew that's what they wuz. Ah'd been expectin' 'em. That's why ah rented a place way out by itself, so's nobody else'd git hurt. Them govment thugs don't give a crap about extra folks gittin' killed. Anyway, as soon as they figgered out ah was broadcastin' sumpthin', them Chinooks spread out a little an' headed toward ma cameras, real quick. Next, ah saw six little things come off tha Chinooks. They wuz little dots with little rings o' light 'round 'em. They got bigger an' bigger 'til fer tha last little bit, ah could almost see tha point on tha front end of tha closest one. That was the last pictures ah got. It was tha end o' ma birds, tha end o' tha barn, and tha end o' everthin' else fer 'bout a quarter mile 'er so 'round, in all directions. Besides that, it was tha end o' them guy's best chance ta track me down. Fer people that's so smart, they kin sure be stupid. Shoot first, blow up all tha clues, think later. Ah had most o' ma pictures by then so what good did it do 'em? Stupid. As long as they don't manage ta track me down from satellite pictures, ah'm home free. Ah made that as hard as ah could, tried ta stay outa sight, cover ma tracks, an' break ma trail durin' tha whole prank.

Ah spent tha day in tha garage in Warm Springs. While ah was waitin' fer dark, ah listened ta tha radio. Sure 'nough, they was news 'bout a gang o' terrorists that blew theyselves up on a farm west o' Las Vegas. They wuz buildin' bombs, one of 'em went off, an' toasted 'em. Fed's said they'd been watchin' 'em fer months but they wuzn't quite ready ta move in on 'em yet. Ah had ta laugh. The govment's so damned predictable. Ah coulda wrote that whole story myself before they ever told it on tha news. Next time ah'll do just that, ta see how close ah kin come. While ah wuz waitin', ah dismantled most o' my lectrical stuff. After dark, ah carried it down tha road ta where ah'd stashed tha Hummer in another garage. Ah'll git rid of it in bits an' pieces over tha next few months. Ah left tha second van fer ma hired guy ta take back ta tha rental agency an' walked back acrost town ta ma Hummer.

Yaaaahoooo! The Dirty Trickster riiides again!

Old Timers' Lore
Overheard by Sam Aurelius Milam III
Terminology — Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

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March 2012

Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

Page 3

Frontiersman
^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive
Gainesville, Georgia 30507

It's easy to learn a lesson. The trick is to remember it.

—Tuesday, February 24, 1981
Milam's Notes

Acknowledgments

My thanks to the following: SantaClara Bob; Lady Jan the Voluptuous; my mother; Dewey and Betty; and Sir Donald the Elusive.

— editor

From the Philosophy of George Carlin
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Lady Jan the Voluptuous.

•

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

•

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

•

Could it be that all of those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

•

If a mute swears, then does his mother wash his hands with soap?

•

If a man makes a statement in the middle of a forest and there isn't a woman there to hear him, then is he still wrong?

•

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, then is it considered to be a hostage situation?

Strange Legislation
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Steve, of Mililani, Hawaii. I didn't try to verify this one. Actually, I'm skeptical but at least it's funny.

•

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

Actual Labels on Consumer Products
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Sir John the Generous.

•

On a Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

•

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary! Details inside!
(the shoplifter's special).

•

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

•

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

•

On the bottom of Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(Ahhh, too late!)

Frontiersman

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— Sam Aurelius Milam III, editor

Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution. I prefer cash. For checks or money orders, please inquire.
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Frontiersman, ^c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507

March 2012

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