An Excerpt From Satellite imagery
Please use the enclosed envelope to send a contribution. I prefer cash. For checks or money orders, please inquire.
51 and the Dirty Trickster
Fiction by Sam Aurelius Milam III
Carrier pigeons is interestin' birds. They kin fly at 50 miles an hour an' carry stuff on their legs. They can find their way back ta their lofts from ah long ways off. They're jus' what ah needed fer ma prank. This is what started it. Ah seen a lotta them TV shows 'bout Area 51. Do they really keep flyin' saucers an' dead aliens there? Tha guys on tha TV ain't never gonna find out. They ain't never gonna git no closer than tha big white signs an' tha white pickup trucks. Ah might not find out either but ah figgered out how ah might git a better look at tha place.
First, ah gotta guy ta rent a ol' farm fer me a little ways west o' Las Vegas, out in tha sticks, away frum everthin'. Ah spent some time scoutin' 'round, bought some stuff here an' some stuff there, so's nobody'd ever notice it wuz tha same guy buyin' it. Used tha barn fer ah garage an' ah workshop. Built ah loft in tha barn an' started raisin' carrier pigeons. Ah spent ah lotta time drivin' on all tha roads an' highways 'round Nellis, where they got Area 51 hid, just learnin' ma way aroun'.
It's amazin' how small they kin make stuff nowadays. Ah started hookin' little cameras to chips big 'nough fer a dozen er so pictures each. Little timers ta start tha cameras after a while and click 'em ever few seconds 'til tha chips was full. Each one ov 'em wuz little 'nough that a bird can carry it on its leg. Amazin'. When ma birds started ta git ready, ah started releasin' 'em with their little cameras, lettin' 'em fly back ta tha loft from different places. Spent some time checkin' everthin' ta make sure it worked right. Ah wuz careful where ah released 'em, ta make sure they never flew over no military 'er govment stuff. Didn' want ta give maself away 'fore my prank wuz ready.
It took some arrangin' outside tha farm, too. Ah got some guys ta rent four garages fer me, two in Alamo an' two in Warm Springs. Ah got some more guys ta rent two vans an' 'leave 'em in some parkin' lots. After tha guys wuz gone, ah got each van an' drove it ta a garage. Tha whole thing wuz done by third parties, mail drops, cash, an' so forth. None of 'em ever saw me 're each other.
Ah drove tha Hummer or whichever van ah needed, accordin' ta what part o' ma prank ah wuz workin' on. Tha van that ended up in Alamo wuz at the farm fer quite a while. Ah had ta build a lot o' automatic receivin' an' recordin' stuff ta put in it, an' ah big antenna in tha barn. Ah had ta be real careful how ah tested some o' that stuff 'cause ah didn' want ta attract no attention frum tha FCC, with illegal broadcasts. That part got tested only once, after tha van wuz in tha barn in Alamo.
Finally, tha big day came. Ah packed ma stuff inta tha van that evenin', just before dark. Ah took ma birds, in cages, tha' feed an' water they'd need, food an' drink fer me fer a few days, an' everthin' else ah didn' wanta leave behind an' lose. Tha electronic stuff wuz already hooked up in tha second van, waitin' in a garage in Alamo. Tha Hummer wuz in ah garage in Warm Springs. Ah left rat after dark, went through Las Vegas, took Interstate 15 an' Highway 93, ta Alamo. Ah stayed in Alamo tha next day, restin', tendin' ma birds, an' stayin' outa site. After dark that night, ah carried ma birds an' stuff down tha block ta tha second rented van, in another rented garage. Drove tha first one acrost town, left it on tha street where tha guy that rented it fer me could return it ta tha rental agency. Walked back ta the second van an' headed north 'long Highway 93 an' then turned west onta tha Extraterrestrial Highway. Ah put out cages o' birds 'long tha way. Ah'd been explorin' fer more'n a year so ah knew all tha good places ta put 'em where nobody'd likely spot 'em. Just had ta hope fer tha best 'bout coyotes. Had ta watch fer traffic, but pickin' up tha empty cages, later, was tha only part ah never figgered out how ta do without maybe gittin' caught, so ah figgered on leavin' tha cages. Made sure they wuz all traceable ta tha Division of State Parks, just in case tha Camo Dudes 'er somebody found 'em. That'd cause a ruckus an' confuse everbody.
Tha doors on them cages all had timers. Jus' 'bout dawn them timers all went off an' let tha birds loose. Tha timers on tha cameras all started at tha same time. Then they was more'n 50 carrier pigeons all headin' south, all carrying little cameras with timers, all goin' right over Area 51. By then ah was in Warm Springs, in another rented garage. If ah'd guessed right 'bout how fast them birds'd fly, them cameras'd all start clickin just 'bout tha time tha birds was over Area 51.
Back at the farm, as tha birds started gittin' back, ever time one of 'em landed an'
For PayPal payments, use Frontiersman@manlymail.net.
|walked through tha little door, it's chip got
scanned an' tha pictures got downloaded ta ma transmitter. Ah didn't
use no internet link 'er land line 'er nothin' that could be traced.
Ah had ah big, powerful transmitter, an' ah broadcast tha pictures.
Tha govment guys kin find a transmitter easy but they can't find a receiver.
Tha receivers was in tha second van. Ah guess if somebody else had
a receiver on tha right settin', they coulda got the pictures too but who
cares? So, as soon as them birds started landin', ah started gittin'
tha pictures at tha van an' savin' 'em ta several different kinds o' drives,
just in case. So, what pictures did ah git? Hangers.
Runways. A baseball field. Roads. A white bus, some white
SUVs an' pickup trucks. Some Chinooks an' some white unmarked 737s
with big red stripes on tha sides. Nuthin' very interestin'.
Ya kin see tha same stuff on the TV shows. What wuz interestin' wuz
what happened after tha pictures wuz took.
Here's tha interestin' part. Ah had three video cameras outside o' tha barn, pointin' at different angles but mostly north. As soon as tha pictures started ta download, them cameras turned on. Them videos got broadcast too, like tha pictures. Ah recorded ever bit of it in tha second van. So, when tha pictures started ta come in ah started watching the movies from tha video cameras. Ah had three TVs goin'. First, it was pictures o' ma birds circlin' in fer a landin' but, off a ways, they was three other things in tha air. It was just like ah figgered it'd be. Them guys at Area 51 is real picky 'bout their privacy an' they's good at what they do. They watch everthin' an' nothin' gits past 'em. They'd figgered out right quick that tha big flock o' birds goin' by had some kinda electronics on 'em an', 'fore tha birds wuz even outa sight, tha Area 51 guys was follerin' 'em. Ah think they didn't want ta git too close so's not ta spook tha birds. They wanted ta foller 'em all tha way home. That's why they wuz off a ways when tha birds started ta land. It took everbody a few minutes to figure out that ah was broadcastin' somethin' but as soon as they was onta that trick, things changed real quick.
Here's what happened next. Them three other things in my pictures was black, unmarked Chinooks. Oh, they wasn't close 'nough ah could tell that in tha TV pictures but ah knew that's what they wuz. Ah'd been expectin' 'em. That's why ah rented a place way out by itself, so's nobody else'd git hurt. Them govment thugs don't give a crap about extra folks gittin' killed. Anyway, as soon as they figgered out ah was broadcastin' sumpthin', them Chinooks spread out a little an' headed toward ma cameras, real quick. Next, ah saw six little things come off tha Chinooks. They wuz little dots with little rings o' light 'round 'em. They got bigger an' bigger 'til fer tha last little bit, ah could almost see tha point on tha front end of tha closest one. That was the last pictures ah got. It was tha end o' ma birds, tha end o' tha barn, and tha end o' everthin' else fer 'bout a quarter mile 'er so 'round, in all directions. Besides that, it was tha end o' them guy's best chance ta track me down. Fer people that's so smart, they kin sure be stupid. Shoot first, blow up all tha clues, think later. Ah had most o' ma pictures by then so what good did it do 'em? Stupid. As long as they don't manage ta track me down from satellite pictures, ah'm home free. Ah made that as hard as ah could, tried ta stay outa sight, cover ma tracks, an' break ma trail durin' tha whole prank.
Ah spent tha day in tha garage in Warm Springs. While ah was waitin' fer dark, ah listened ta tha radio. Sure 'nough, they was news 'bout a gang o' terrorists that blew theyselves up on a farm west o' Las Vegas. They wuz buildin' bombs, one of 'em went off, an' toasted 'em. Fed's said they'd been watchin' 'em fer months but they wuzn't quite ready ta move in on 'em yet. Ah had ta laugh. The govment's so damned predictable. Ah coulda wrote that whole story myself before they ever told it on tha news. Next time ah'll do just that, ta see how close ah kin come. While ah wuz waitin', ah dismantled most o' my lectrical stuff. After dark, ah carried it down tha road ta where ah'd stashed tha Hummer in another garage. Ah'll git rid of it in bits an' pieces over tha next few months. Ah left tha second van fer ma hired guy ta take back ta tha rental agency an' walked back acrost town ta ma Hummer.
Yaaaahoooo! The Dirty Trickster riiides again!
Old Timers' Lore
For PayPal payments, use Frontiersman@manlymail.net.
My thanks to the following: SantaClara Bob; Lady Jan the Voluptuous; my mother; Dewey and Betty; and Sir Donald the Elusive.
From the Philosophy of George Carlin
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Lady Jan the Voluptuous.
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Steve, of Mililani, Hawaii. I didn't try to verify this one. Actually, I'm skeptical but at least it's funny.
Actual Labels on Consumer Products
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Sir John the Generous.
Subscriptions and Past Issues Printed copies of this newsletter, either subscriptions or past issues, are available by application only.
Cancellations If you don't want to keep receiving this newsletter, then return it unopened. When I receive it, I'll terminate your subscription.
Reprint Policy Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this newsletter in its entirety or to reproduce material from it, provided that the reproduction is accurate and that proper credit is given. I do not have the authority to give permission to reprint material that I have reprinted from other sources. For that permission, you must go to the original source. I would appreciate receiving a courtesy copy of any document or publication in which you reprint my material.
Submissions I solicit letters, articles, and cartoons for the newsletter, but I don't pay for them. Short items are more likely to be printed. I suggest that letters and articles be shorter than 500 words but that's flexible depending on space available and the content of the piece.
Payment This newsletter isn't for sale. If you want to make a voluntary contribution, then I prefer cash or U.S. postage stamps. For checks or money orders, please inquire. For PayPal payments, use Frontiersman@manlymail.net. I don't accept anything that requires me to provide ID to receive it. In case anybody's curious, I also accept gold, silver, platinum, etc.
Sam Aurelius Milam III, editor
For PayPal payments, use Frontiersman@manlymail.net.