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An Excerpt From Satellite imagery
Stray Thoughts
Smitten With
Embarrassment Department
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walked through tha little door, it's chip got
scanned an' tha pictures got downloaded ta ma transmitter. Ah didn't
use no internet link 'er land line 'er nothin' that could be traced.
Ah had ah big, powerful transmitter, an' ah broadcast tha pictures.
Tha govment guys kin find a transmitter easy but they can't find a receiver.
Tha receivers was in tha second van. Ah guess if somebody else had
a receiver on tha right settin', they coulda got the pictures too but who
cares? So, as soon as them birds started landin', ah started gittin'
tha pictures at tha van an' savin' 'em ta several different kinds o' drives,
just in case. So, what pictures did ah git? Hangers.
Runways. A baseball field. Roads. A white bus, some white
SUVs an' pickup trucks. Some Chinooks an' some white unmarked 737s
with big red stripes on tha sides. Nuthin' very interestin'.
Ya kin see tha same stuff on the TV shows. What wuz interestin' wuz
what happened after tha pictures wuz took.
Here's tha interestin' part. Ah had three video cameras outside o' tha barn, pointin' at different angles but mostly north. As soon as tha pictures started ta download, them cameras turned on. Them videos got broadcast too, like tha pictures. Ah recorded ever bit of it in tha second van. So, when tha pictures started ta come in ah started watching the movies from tha video cameras. Ah had three TVs goin'. First, it was pictures o' ma birds circlin' in fer a landin' but, off a ways, they was three other things in tha air. It was just like ah figgered it'd be. Them guys at Area 51 is real picky 'bout their privacy an' they's good at what they do. They watch everthin' an' nothin' gits past 'em. They'd figgered out right quick that tha big flock o' birds goin' by had some kinda electronics on 'em an', 'fore tha birds wuz even outa sight, tha Area 51 guys was follerin' 'em. Ah think they didn't want ta git too close so's not ta spook tha birds. They wanted ta foller 'em all tha way home. That's why they wuz off a ways when tha birds started ta land. It took everbody a few minutes to figure out that ah was broadcastin' somethin' but as soon as they was onta that trick, things changed real quick. Here's what happened next. Them three other things in my pictures was black, unmarked Chinooks. Oh, they wasn't close 'nough ah could tell that in tha TV pictures but ah knew that's what they wuz. Ah'd been expectin' 'em. That's why ah rented a place way out by itself, so's nobody else'd git hurt. Them govment thugs don't give a crap about extra folks gittin' killed. Anyway, as soon as they figgered out ah was broadcastin' sumpthin', them Chinooks spread out a little an' headed toward ma cameras, real quick. Next, ah saw six little things come off tha Chinooks. They wuz little dots with little rings o' light 'round 'em. They got bigger an' bigger 'til fer tha last little bit, ah could almost see tha point on tha front end of tha closest one. That was the last pictures ah got. It was tha end o' ma birds, tha end o' tha barn, and tha end o' everthin' else fer 'bout a quarter mile 'er so 'round, in all directions. Besides that, it was tha end o' them guy's best chance ta track me down. Fer people that's so smart, they kin sure be stupid. Shoot first, blow up all tha clues, think later. Ah had most o' ma pictures by then so what good did it do 'em? Stupid. As long as they don't manage ta track me down from satellite pictures, ah'm home free. Ah made that as hard as ah could, tried ta stay outa sight, cover ma tracks, an' break ma trail durin' tha whole prank. Ah spent tha day in tha garage in Warm Springs. While ah was waitin' fer dark, ah listened ta tha radio. Sure 'nough, they was news 'bout a gang o' terrorists that blew theyselves up on a farm west o' Las Vegas. They wuz buildin' bombs, one of 'em went off, an' toasted 'em. Fed's said they'd been watchin' 'em fer months but they wuzn't quite ready ta move in on 'em yet. Ah had ta laugh. The govment's so damned predictable. Ah coulda wrote that whole story myself before they ever told it on tha news. Next time ah'll do just that, ta see how close ah kin come. While ah wuz waitin', ah dismantled most o' my lectrical stuff. After dark, ah carried it down tha road ta where ah'd stashed tha Hummer in another garage. Ah'll git rid of it in bits an' pieces over tha next few months. Ah left tha second van fer ma hired guy ta take back ta tha rental agency an' walked back acrost town ta ma Hummer. Yaaaahoooo! The Dirty Trickster riiides again! Old Timers' Lore
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Acknowledgments My thanks to the following: SantaClara Bob; Lady Jan the Voluptuous; my mother; Dewey and Betty; and Sir Donald the Elusive. editor
From the Philosophy of George Carlin Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Lady Jan the Voluptuous.
Strange Legislation Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Steve, of Mililani, Hawaii. I didn't try to verify this one. Actually, I'm skeptical but at least it's funny.
Actual Labels on Consumer Products Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Sir John the Generous.
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