Stray Thoughts
Sam Aurelius Milam III
•We don't have a shortage of water.  We have an excess of people.
•A vote is worthless unless it's redeemable in lead.

Susie
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Marilyn, of Bingham County, Idaho
There was a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and, all of a sudden, there was a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants were wet.  He couldn't imagine how it could have happened.  It had never happened before.  He knew that when the other boys found out, he'd never hear the end of it.  When the girls found out, they'd never speak to him again.
He looked up and saw the teacher looking in his direction.   He put his head down on his desk and prayed, "God this is an emergency!  I need help now!"
Across the aisle from him, Susie had a gold-fish bowl on her desk.  She'd brought it for "show and tell".  As the teacher approached, Susie reached for her goldfish bowl, fumbled it, and dumped it into the boy's lap.
The boy pretended to be angry, all the while saying to himself, "Thank you thank you thank you!"
All of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy was the object of sympathy.  The teacher rushed him downstairs and gave him gym shorts to put on while his pants dried out.  All of the other children were on their hands and knees, cleaning up around his desk.  The sympathy was wonderful but, as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his was transferred to Susie.
Finally, at the end of the day, as they were waiting for the bus, the boy walked over to Susie and whispered, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"
Susie whispered back, "I wet my pants once, too."
We should all try to see the opportunities to do good that are always around us.  Remember, going to church doesn't make you a good person any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

The Judiciary Under the Doctrine
Sam Aurelius Milam III

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. —Thomas Jefferson, 1787

The Aaron's Philosophy
from Of Men and Monsters, by William Tenn
Man shares certain significant characteristics with the rat and cockroach:  He will eat almost anything.  He is fiercely adaptable to a wide variety of conditions.  He can survive as an individual but is at his best in swarms.  He prefers to live, whenever possible, on what other creatures store or biologically manufacture.  The conclusion is inescapable that he was designed by nature as a most superior sort of vermin — and that only the absence, in his early environment, of a sufficiently wealthy host prevented him from assuming the role of eternal guest and forced him to live hungrily, and more than a little irritably, by his own wits alone.

Kelso's Doctrine
from Under The City of Angels, by Jerry Earl Brown
I believe in my own instincts and my own wits, and both say to be distrustful of all authority.  There are laws that I respect because I recognize those laws as serving a common good.  There are laws that I break because I see them as serving private interests.  But in no case will I bow to any dictum that says I must obey or serve, in ignorance or faith, some so-called higher order because those who tell me I must do so are better or higher than myself and understand things I don't.  Human history has proved that to be a collossal [sic] crock.  Nobody is higher than anybody else in that sense, and the moment some fool or collusion of fools begins to think he — or they — are, then in my book they've joined the worms and should be promptly and categorically squashed.

The Blonde and the Dentist
As Retold by Sam Aurelius Milam III
There was a blonde who was terrified of dental work.  However, she had a tooth that was so terribly painful that she made a dentist appointment.
When she arrived in the dentist's treatment room, she said, "You know, I'd almost rather have a baby than have work done on a tooth."
The dentist replied, "Well, make up your mind, ma'am.  I have to adjust the chair one way or the other."

Frontiersman c/o 4984 Peach Mountain Drive Gainesville, Georgia  30507       Howe's Observation  Every man has a scheme that won't work.

Signs of Getting Older
Original Source Unknown.  Forwarded by Don G.
•You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
•You find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
•You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

Blonde Jokes
Original Source Unknown.
•The phone rang at 2 in the morning.  The wife (a blonde), picked it up, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"  The husband asked, "Who was that?"  The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
•When the doctor told the blonde that she was pregnant, she asked him to perform a DNA test to verify that the baby was hers.
•Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her U.S. government class.  The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.  Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."