Frontiersman, July 2025

Learning from the Past
Sam Aurelius Milam III

Since a pronoun stands for, or replaces a noun, it must agree with that noun in person, number, and gender.

—from Instant English Handbook, page 75
Copyright © 1968, 1981 Edition
Career Publishing, Inc.

Many years ago, I used to watch America’s Funniest People, a Vin Di Bona production. At the end of each program, a lovely little cutie would prance out in front of the cameras and gleefully exclaim, “The audience has made their decision.” Audience, the antecedent, is singular. Their, the pronoun, is plural. It’s a stupid grammar error for a role model (presumably) to make on national TV.

In January of 1993, I sent the producers a letter in which I informed them of the error. I didn’t receive a reply. On subsequent episodes, the lovely little cutie kept right on prancing out in front of the cameras, smiling with the same mindless enthusiasm, and making the same grammar error.

Almost 25 years after America’s Funniest People, I heard this on a TV commercial.

As your child grows, so should their car seat.

—from a car seat commercial

The female in the commercial made the same grammar error that her predecessor made on America’s Funniest People, about 25 years earlier. Maybe she studied the old AFP videos. Maybe not. I don’t know.

The writer-philosopher George-Santayana is credited with the phrase, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” I can suggest a variation on the idea. Studying the past might be a good way to learn how to make the same mistakes all over again.

The Queen of Rock and Rule
From the weird stuff collection, by Sam Aurelius Milam III.
This story was first completed on Saturday, November 17, 1984, and was most recently revised on Friday, March 12, 2010.

Now, I need to type a slightly longer text, because it’s raining outside and there are geese in Canada. If you want to understand more of that subject, then go to Kelly park and ask the attendant. He’s an expert on the subject of nuclear technology. He can explain why there’s a scratch in the paint and who fixed it for you. After you receive the bill, you’ll be referred to the IRS for pregnancy counseling and they’ll send you a Christmas card for lunch. After you find the needle, you’ll be in a better position to negotiate the unilateral disarmament of pigeons. Then they’ll fly you to Miami for the Festival of Saints. I was there once and discovered my lost love. We’d never met but I recognized her father as on old friend of the President, who’d once rescued my cat. Now that I’m under way, I think that it’s appropriate that I explain myself. I’m originally not from here, but from another place, a far place, a dry, dank, misty, arid place of consistent contradiction. It was there that I learned logic and reasoning poetry. After my apprenticeship, I fell to bickering amongst themselves and was expelled from the Fellowship, with honor. I traveled in search of the Great Grate. I never achieved much but was greatly honored everywhere that I went because of my beautiful wife, who I kept hidden in my camper, except for brief excursions into the forest for wood. Now that I’ve told my life story for the first time I feel that the price supports presently applied to the dairy industry will eventually be lifted from the backs of the weary and downtrodden people of Afghanistan, who have labored under the despotic role of the Queen of Rock and Rule. I never understood how anyone could eat so much ice cream in just one year. Oh, I hear my Mother calling. I've got to come back now. See you later.

Oversight Committee
Original Source Unknown. Forwarded by Don G.

Once upon a time, a government agency had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. A Congressional oversight committee warned that someone might steal from it during the night, so the agency hired a night watchman, position GS-4.

Then the committee asked, “How does the watchmen do his job without supervision?” So the agency created a supervisory office and hired a person to write instructions, GS-12, and another person to do time studies, GS-11.

Then the committee asked, “How will we know that the watchman is doing his job correctly?” So the agency created a QC position and hired two people, one GS-9, to do QC surveys, and one, GS-11, to write reports.

Then the committee asked, “How will these people be paid?” So the agency hired a payroll officer, GS-9, and a mail clerk, GS-7.

Then the committee asked, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So the agency hired an Admin Officer, GS-13, and a Legal Secretary, GS-8.

Then the committee said, “You’ve had this facility in operation for only a year and you’re already $18,000 over budget. You must cut overall costs.”

So the agency laid off the watchman.