Miss
Management
by Sam Aurelius Milam III
On
Sunday, September 16, 1990, I watched the Bloopers and Practical Jokes
program on T.V. One of the jokes was played on the 1989 Miss America,
and led me to speculate about the traditional political process.
She
(Miss America) was told of a radical new broadcast technology that had
just been invented, and was to be demonstrated by way of a live broadcast.
She was told that the name of the new technology generated an acronym that
allowed it to be named after her position. I don't remember the buzz-words
they used, but it was something like Multisynchronous Integrated Signal
System, or some such gobbledegook.
Miss
America accepted the invitation to be the official host of the inaugural
broadcast. The day of the history-making event arrived. All
was ready for the phoney broadcast with two phoney technical experts and
Miss America on the set. With two minutes until broadcast time, one
of the experts had to leave the set for an emergency phone call.
A few seconds later the other expert developed problems with her microphone
and left the set to resolve the problem. Miss America sat and waited,
and the seconds ticked by. People around her, participating in the
joke, began to get uneasy, then nervous, then frantic, and the two technical
experts were nowhere to be found. When broadcast time arrived, Miss
America was alone on the set. She'd been given no technical briefing
whatsoever, and she knew nothing about the new broadcast system, yet she
was suddenly told to present a discussion of it and demonstrate the enigmatic
equipment in front of her. The frantic director told her to "just
ad lib!" She did. After a minute or so of cool and collected
chatter, she'd said all she could say, and seemed in need of some help,
but not at all flustered. As viewers, of course, we could see the
prank in action on cameras of which Miss America was unaware. The
pranksters then presented her with a set of large hand written cue cards
which had the appearance of having been quickly scribbled, and were not
easily readable. However, Miss America picked up her lines without
any visible hesitation, and began reading a technical description of the
new system. It was, of course, nothing but a lot of technical sounding
mumbo-jumbo, but Miss America didn't know that. From her description
of the system, an uninformed viewer wouldn't have known her from the inventor.
However, the second cue card, and all the cards following it, were upside
down.
At
this point, it became evident that the practical joke had been turned upon
the pranksters, because Miss America continued to read from the upside
down cards as if she'd been doing it all her life. I was entranced
by her performance. After several more cards, the prankster holding
them contrived to fumble one and drop the whole stack of them onto the
floor. With only a slight change of angle, Miss America continued
to read from the next card, which was on the floor and still oriented so
she was reading upside-down. She was marvelous. She took my
breath away. Her poise was perfect. She never lost her finesse,
or her appearance of enjoying the occasion. Of course, when no more
cue cards were visible, she had to stop. Even that she did without
loosing her composure. Then the director cued her to start demonstrating
the new system, and she gamely started pushing buttons on the equipment
before her. It happened that one of them activated a pre-planned
announcement telling her that she had been tricked, ending the joke.
Her
amazing grace and poise under such stress in what she thought was a live
broadcast has caused me to speculate that perhaps the wrong method is being
used to choose political figures. Maybe you need in them other qualities
than those which presently enable them to win elections. Perhaps
their political beliefs are irrelevant. Their advertised opinions
during campaigns are mostly cowplop anyway. They never do what they
said they would do, so why worry about it? Maybe you should stop
electing them, and start selecting them. You could have a Mr. President
contest and a Mr. Senator contest. The Senators and Representatives
(from Texas, for example) could be selected from among the Mr. Texas contestants. Selections
would be much cheaper than elections because the entire process could be
financed by admission tickets, sponsors, network broadcast contracts, and
so forth. You could select your political figures according to their
performance judged against a set of standards not unlike those of the Miss
America contest. Maybe for extra excitement you could have some events
patterned after the American Gladiators competitions. The contestants
would need to be healthy, attractive, intelligent, quick-witted, friendly,
and courteous. They'd have a better chance if they could sing, dance,
or tell jokes. The winners would get to travel around a lot, make
lots of guest appearances, do some commercials, and get practical jokes
played on them. Most important, they'd be so busy acting like celebrities
that they probably wouldn't have much time to do a lot of damage to the
country. Even if you didn't get better people in office, you certainly
wouldn't get any worse and they wouldn't have all those promises to break.
Something to think about, eh? Try it. You might like it.![10x5 Page Background GIF Image](../../Images/10x5_Page_Background.gif)
Reader’s Corner
RE: article Mafia versus Federal Bureaucracy by Jim
May, October 1994
As always I enjoy the Frontiersman, and this time my attention fell
on the Mafia vs the Bureaucrats. My advice is: don't feel too
secure with the Mafia. It seems they have just discovered that their
power has been limited and they are off to take over the government.
(I believe they are beginning with Chicago, a place where ethical standards
have never been too high.) I'm really not surprised. Seems
to me the Italian city-states in the Middle Ages were taken over by these
types & later peddled as "noblemen". And next thing you know
they'll be bureaucrats!
— Shirley Lewis, Sunnyvale California
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