Ol' Toothless
Reprinted from Front Sight, http://www.ignatius-piazza-front-sight.com/essay-contest-finalists/essayseven/
Recently, I went to my local sheriff's department to get myself a free speech license.  I am fortunate enough to live in a state that has a First Amendment "Shall Issue" policy for open free speech and peaceable assembly.  They offer permits, fees and tax forms for religion, the press and petition, too, which is also neat. 
There are some states, though, that have criminalized any and all First Amendment activity.  Our great nation's capital and some of the more progressive states have banned free speech entirely.  I don't know how it could have happened.  An old timer around town said it was because Americans had lost their teeth.  Only later did I understand that he wasn't talking about dentures.
They used to say about the First Amendment "use it or lose it."  So, I decided to use it.  All I had to do was walk in and ask and the permit was mine.
Well, almost.  Apparently, there are some First Amendment preliminaries that I was unaware of.  The permit was mine if I was a law abiding citizen, could provide good character references, showed the authorities proper and safe use of my ideas and opinions, proved responsible during the initial probation period, and met the approval of my local sheriff.  Then I would have permission to speak and think freely in nearly forty of the fifty-one states across this great land.
And for a little extra cash I could also assemble myself freely and peaceably with the same permit anywhere, at any time of my choosing, in one of those special zones devoted wholly to free speech and nothing else.
Some of the First Amendment lobby groups are trying to pass a free speech uniformity law, which makes sense to me.  It means that when you cross state lines, those bookmarks, diaries, pencils and other First Amendment "paraphernalia" you have tossed on the back seat won't get you accidentally locked up.  It also covers trans-state line telephonic conversation, electronic mail and snail mail.  You're also protected if you stand on one side of the state line and call out across it.
A man was thrown in jail the other day merely for having a blank journal in his vehicle's glove box.  "But there's nothing written on the pages," he complained.
The arresting officer let him know that in his particular jurisdiction, the journal's page capacity was illegal, whether it was written upon or empty.  When I travel, I always keep my cell phone, notebooks, recordings, photographs, book lights, memories and daydreams locked in a box in the trunk of my car.  You really have to be very organized to follow the First Amendment rules correctly.
In my town, the free speech fee is quite manageable.  In fact, it isn't much of a fee at all.  It's just a small tax on my thoughts, similar to what you might find on stamps or tea.  Heck, it's pretty much the same as the tax they put on my labor;  nothing new, something we are all accustomed to in the pursuit of liberty.
So I opened up my wallet and had my application and free speech tax forms already filled out.  I told the young deputy at the bulletproof window that I would like a free speech license, please.
The young deputy eyed me suspiciously.  "What do you want it for?" he asked.
Excuse me?
My stunned expression prompted my deputy to repeat his question.
"What-Do-You-Want-A-Free-Speech-Permit-For-Sirrrrr?"
I could feel my eyes glazing over.  Was it

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