Ol' Toothless
Reprinted from Front
Sight, http://www.ignatius-piazza-front-sight.com/essay-contest-finalists/essayseven/
Recently,
I went to my local sheriff's department to get myself a free speech license.
I am fortunate enough to live in a state that has a First Amendment "Shall
Issue" policy for open free speech and peaceable assembly. They offer
permits, fees and tax forms for religion, the press and petition, too,
which is also neat.
There
are some states, though, that have criminalized any and all First Amendment
activity. Our great nation's capital and some of the more progressive
states have banned free speech entirely. I don't know how it could
have happened. An old timer around town said it was because Americans
had lost their teeth. Only later did I understand that he wasn't
talking about dentures.
They
used to say about the First Amendment "use it or lose it." So, I
decided to use it. All I had to do was walk in and ask and the permit
was mine.
Well,
almost. Apparently, there are some First Amendment preliminaries
that I was unaware of. The permit was mine if I was a law abiding
citizen, could provide good character references, showed the authorities
proper and safe use of my ideas and opinions, proved responsible during
the initial probation period, and met the approval of my local sheriff.
Then I would have permission to speak and think freely in nearly forty
of the fifty-one states across this great land.
And
for a little extra cash I could also assemble myself freely and peaceably
with the same permit anywhere, at any time of my choosing, in one of those
special zones devoted wholly to free speech and nothing else.
Some
of the First Amendment lobby groups are trying to pass a free speech uniformity
law, which makes sense to me. It means that when you cross state
lines, those bookmarks, diaries, pencils and other First Amendment "paraphernalia"
you have tossed on the back seat won't get you accidentally locked up.
It also covers trans-state line telephonic conversation, electronic mail
and snail mail. You're also protected if you stand on one side of
the state line and call out across it.
A
man was thrown in jail the other day merely for having a blank journal
in his vehicle's glove box. "But there's nothing written on the pages,"
he complained.
The
arresting officer let him know that in his particular jurisdiction, the
journal's page capacity was illegal, whether it was written upon or empty.
When I travel, I always keep my cell phone, notebooks, recordings, photographs,
book lights, memories and daydreams locked in a box in the trunk of my
car. You really have to be very organized to follow the First Amendment
rules correctly.
In
my town, the free speech fee is quite manageable. In fact, it isn't
much of a fee at all. It's just a small tax on my thoughts, similar
to what you might find on stamps or tea. Heck, it's pretty much the
same as the tax they put on my labor; nothing new, something we are
all accustomed to in the pursuit of liberty.
So
I opened up my wallet and had my application and free speech tax forms
already filled out. I told the young deputy at the bulletproof window
that I would like a free speech license, please.
The
young deputy eyed me suspiciously. "What do you want it for?" he
asked.
Excuse
me?
My
stunned expression prompted my deputy to repeat his question.
"What-Do-You-Want-A-Free-Speech-Permit-For-Sirrrrr?"
I
could feel my eyes glazing over. Was it
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October 2008 |
Frontiersman, c/o
4984 Peach Mountain Drive, Gainesville, Georgia 30507 |
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