Letters to the Editor Dear Sammy,

... I still read your stuff each month and I’ll catch the next episode in a couple of days. I can’t speak for the bulk of your readers but for me the most interesting
issues are the ones that tell old stories....
–T. M., of Winter Park, Florida
There are a lot of old stories in Pharos, under the heading Adventures and Misadventures.
—editor
Dear Sam,

When I get the Frontiersman, I am
always guaranteed two things.

#1 — I learn something. In this issue [
October]. I learned a new word. And I have a decent vocabulary. I consider myself an amateur etymologist.
Anyway, so the word that caught my eye... [
his ellipsis] “ellipsis”
— omission from an expression of a word clearly implied or marks (...) to show omission.

I never knew the dot, dot, dot was actually an ellipsis.

#2 — I get a good laugh. In
this issue I love your response to my
letter to
the editor. Ha Ha! You just might be right. Maybe Earth is the galactic nut house. Government is “Nurse Ratchet”.

And your opine on the Moon.
I’m in total agreement with you. What the hell, not one
meteor came in sideways. And the depths and convex bottoms are
a mystery.

Have a good one.
—S. H., a prisoner
Dear Sam:

My old alma mater, San Jose State University, is experiencing a notable difficulty. It seems that the school’s woman’s volleyball team contains a transgender player. This is causing several schools to boycott matches with the San Jose
State team. When another school’s team forfeits a match, the
game is counted as a win for San Jose State.

In my opinion, if the ostracism is really caused by fairness concerns (and not mere prejudice against transsexual people) then the problem could be resolved relatively easily.

In the sport of boxing, contestants are sorted according to height and weight. Sorting according to those criteria, and perhaps others more appropriate to volleyball,
could be instituted as a common precondition to forming teams.
Then the question of birth gender would be irrelevant.
—Sir Donald the Elusive
The freedom of opinion must necessarily include the freedom to be prejudiced. Otherwise somebody, somewhere, has the power to declare which opinions are permitted and which opinions are not permitted. That isn’t freedom of opinion. That’s mind control.
—editor
ObituaryOriginal Source Unknown.
Forwarded by D. K., of Gainesville, Georgia. 
It is with great sadness that we pass on the
following news. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a
yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the
belly. He was 71. The funeral was held at 345 for about 20 minutes. He was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never realized how much he was kneaded. Doughboy
rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn’t always viewed as a smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes but, despite being a little flaky at times, as a crusty old man he
was a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, their son John Dough, their daughter Jane Dough, who has one in
the oven, and his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Inner PeaceOriginal Source Unknown. Forwarded by Cassie E.Note: This is humor, not medical advice. —editor
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, before leaving the house this morning, I finished a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Captain Morgan, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Xanax prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, half a bottle of vodka, and a box of chocolates.

You wouldn’t believe how good I feel right now!

Blonde-Friendly BankAs retold by Sam Aurelius Milma III.
A blonde walked up to the teller’s window at the bank.

“May I have change for a 12?” she asked.

“Sure,” replied the blonde teller. “Do you want 3 fours, 4 threes, or 2 sixes?”
