Alien
Invasion from Outer Space
Fiction by Sam Aurelius Milam III
My
name is Hal. I don't like bugs at all. Not even a little bit.
So, I have a lot of bug spray around the house. Wherever I am, I
can always get to a can of bug spray real quick. It's a darned good
thing, too. I'll tell you why.
One
day not long ago, I was messing around in my kitchen, making a grilled
cheese sandwich. They're better if you put mayonnaise in them but
I'm too lazy to do that so I just use margarine and cheese. Anyway,
I was just spreading the margarine when I looked out the kitchen window
and saw something go drifting down into the back yard.
![Flying Saucer](Images/Flying_Saucer.gif) I
walked over to the back door and looked out. There was a flying saucer
sitting on the grass. It was your typical, garden-variety, classic,
vintage flying saucer, just like people have been seeing for all of the
previous century and probably long before that. I found a picture
of one a lot like it on the internet. Here it is.
First,
it was grey. After about a minute, it turned green, just like the
grass. I didn't know what was going to happen next. Heck, maybe
they were here to cure cancer for us or something, so I waited and watched.
After a minute or two, a big crack formed around a big square place on
the side and a piece of the side started to fold out. I could see
that it was going to be a ramp. Once it was all the way down, something
started to walk out and I thought forget it, cancer cure or no cancer cure,
I ain't putting up with this. The thing had a big head with mandibles,
a thorax, an abdomen, three pairs of legs, and two pairs of wings.
It was easy to recognize, your average, ordinary insect, except that it
stood about four feet tall at the shoulders, except that they weren't really
shoulders. No way, I thought, we'll find our own cure for cancer.
I reached behind me and grabbed a couple of cans of bug spray from the
kitchen counter and slammed out the screen door like a demon. I ran
across the yard yelling as loud as I could yell. The thing saw me
coming and started to raise one of its legs. I could see that it
was holding something that looked a lot like some kind of a gun but before
it could aim the thing at me I was drenching it in two big, beautiful clouds
of bug spray, Black Flag on one side and Raid on the other. The thing
dropped its gun on the ramp, quivered, shivered, shook, and quaked.
Then it's knees, so to speak, buckled and it collapsed onto the ramp with
a very satisfying thump.
Just
then, the ramp started to go back up. I yelled No Way José
and ran back to the house as hard as I could, grabbed a couple of bug bombs
from the cabinet, and ran back to the flying saucer. They were trying
to close the ramp but the dead bug was wedged in the way, legs, wings,
and mandibles all sticking out past the edge. There were some other
bugs inside, yanking and tugging on the dead one, trying to get it out
of the way so they could close the ramp. My bug bombs were fizzing
nicely by the time I got to the flying saucer and I just dropped them through
the gap at the top of the ramp, just before the thing thumped shut.
Just
then, a flight of jet fighters went by overhead. I'm not much at
identifying military planes but I tried to find them on the internet later.
From the double tails, maybe they were Hornets. Ironic name, considering.
They flew around the area for a while, crisscrossing back and forth.
Maybe they were looking for flying saucers. I don't know.
Anyway,
that was about six months ago. Since then, the flying saucer hasn't
moved. Nothing else has tried to come out of it. After about
a month, it changed from green back to grey again so maybe its battery
ran down.
My
neighbor Jack noticed the flying saucer in my back yard right away and
wanted to know what the hell the damn thing was. I told him it was
a lawn ornament that I got cheap on sale. He wanted to know how the
hell I got the damn thing into the yard. Jack has a certain way of
saying things. I told him I didn't know how they got it in the yard
because I wasn't at home when they delivered it.
Eventually,
I built some stairs to the roof and carried my lawn chairs up there.
Sometimes, me and Jack sit up there in the evening and have a couple of
beers. Mostly, I sit up there at night, when it's clear. I
gaze at the stars and wonder which of them has bugs living around it.
I wonder if any more of them are planning to come here. If they do,
no problem. I'm ready for them. I went out and bought a lot
of bug spray, lots and lots and lots of bug spray, all kinds.![10x5 Page Background GIF Image](../../Images/10x5_Page_Background.gif)
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June 2012 |
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